Changes

I haven't posted in a long time. I've been really stressed. But everything is perfect now. I'm finally stress free, and happy. I've found someone who understands me. Who cares about me. Someone that makes me feel complete. <3

Happiness

I'm happy, really happy. I think everything is finally falling into place. I feel good. I miss him a lot, but it's okay, I know what's important. I will start college soon..and to be honest, I'm scared shitless. I will be in a new city, with nobody I know...alone. I mean, I've done it before, just not for 3 years straight. Anyways..kinda multitasking, so I'll write more later.

Peace

Slept refrained a lot of thinking yesterday..though, I missed some people trying to contact me. I'm just kinda in a different mood this morning. I feel peaceful loneliness...you know, that "Im alone, but its kinda okay" feeling. That one..that's what I feel.

Broken...again

No...I knew something would happen today...everything is lost..I'm lost...and very empty. I think I'm losing him so quickly..I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. All I can do is try to maintain composure...which is really hard right now...Im hurt..badly.

Panic

I'm starting to freak out again. Why must I constantly be ignored. I hate this. Please...Don't ignore me..I can't handle that right now. I feel empty again...still..whatever. I miss him...alot.

**EDIT: False alarm on whole post.<33333**

Bliss

I got some rest, and I've been up for about 4 hours now..and I feel peaceful for now. I'm not upset..but I don't think I can say I'm happy. But I don't feel any physical or emotional pain at the moment. It feels good.

Annoyances

I hate how easily I annoy him. I try my best to be a good friend and not say the wrong things, but the simplest little things irritate him. I don't know how I'm supposed to take that.. maybe being friends is too much for him? Should I just back off completely? ....What?

Stupidity and Ignorance

I hate when people talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot. I wasn't born yesterday... Honestly, I know when shit is directed towards me..you don't have to say my name for me to know that.

Neglect

My dad thinks I'm avoiding him and his girlfriend..I hate when he freaks out about that. It's annoying, especially since I just really want to be "alone"...kinda...I don't even know..what a waste of a post. -shrug-

Pain

I feel pain now. Physical pain. In my heart..it's strange feeling. Also, I feel like I'm choking. I feel incomplete. Something is missing. I don't like this feeling. I'm longing for something that I don't even know what it is..I don't know, just felt like telling you..whoever "you" would be.

Feeling Air

My thoughts kept me awake last night. I'm not really surprised. It's pretty normal for me. The sleep felt good. It was quiet..no dreams, no thoughts. It was..peaceful, I guess. Not too much to say right now. I don't feel like me right now though..I feel like I'm only here to breathe. It feels like that's the only thing I feel anymore..is breathing. I feel no heartbeat, I feel no physical pain, I just feel me breathing. It's almost like my world has ended, but I'm still in it. It's hard to explain..

Logic

So, now I've pissed him off...the only person I've been wanting to see all day is now mad at me. To me, his reasons are not logical reasons..I haven't slept all night because my thoughts consume me in my sleep..I'm not okay, and I just really need him right now. No one else seems to understand me..no one else seems to care as much..all I can do is think to myself, and cry. I'm a mess..

Not Alone

I have this song on repeat alot..it calms my nerves. I wanna post it here for my friend though. I hope they listen to this. I hope they even see any of my posts..

Denial of Presence

Here, one of my worst nights in a long time, I get the chance to spend time with someone that I've really started to care about..and now he's ignoring me..Jun isn't online anymore, so I don't have her to talk to..now I'm stuck..I'm speechless, and I'm crying. I can't cope with all this pain I constantly feel. There's seriously something wrong with me..I just want to fix whatever it is..I don't like feeling this way..

Thought Monsters.

I know the posts I put up were really kinda depressing, or even whiney per se, but, I need to get these thoughts and feelings out of my head before they eat me alive. I'd let them eat me alive..but I rather like living for now. I figure writing my thoughts and feelings about things within my life would be healthier, and possibly help me to sleep at night? I'm not sure. I just want to find me..I want to know who I am inside and out. I want to know what I'm here for..what is my main purpose? Maybe if I am able to think more clear, I will know....maybe.

Imaginary Friend?

I feel invisible, non-important, useless to my friend. They make me feel that way, but I know they don't do it on purpose. They are going through tough times, and it seems nothing I say or do is right. I feel like nothing I can do/say will be good enough..and it scares me. They scare me. I've told them that they can trust me and talk to me about anything, but instead they never reply to my texts or anything..and now that they feel completely lost, I've let them down..not purposely..but its the simple fact that I did..and now I don't know what to say or do to make them feel any better..All I want is for them to be happy.

Closing Doors

I've shut almost everyone I know in real life out. I needed to. I've already done it once, and I was proud of what it had done for me. Except, this time...I'm miserable. I feel empty inside almost everyday. It's not due to the fact that I don't have anymore friends..I'm not sure what it is. Maybe the fact that I feel like I have nobody to care for but myself? Am I experiencing the feeling of selfishness? Is it because i rely on my own mind to cope through hard situations, instead of being able to talk about things with someone? I'm not sure anymore. The people I do talk to all live miles and miles away. Sad to say, I will probably never meet them. Which is even harder..especially since the majority of them are better friends than I've ever had in real life. Shit, I'm closer to them than I am with my family..now that's sad. But to be completely honest, I don't care. At least I have them right?